Sunday, May 31, 2009

Life is Tough, Sweet, but Tough

I woke up this morning feeling a bit depressed. I've been out of work for about a month. I'm probably going back to teaching English. And I came into the realization last night at a friend's Going Away Party that I've managed to alienate myself from some friends that I use to consider very close.

So I was sitting in my apartment wondering how things got this way and what I could do to fix things. I was worrying about money, rent, friends, my attitude and faults. I thought back to a recent conversation with a friend who told me that I often try to manipulate people into thinking that I'm always the victim. Which often comes across as me being childish and unable to take care of myself. She mentioned that I often make my friends feel like they have to take care of me, which was one of the main reasons things went down the way they did with James.

I wasn't angry with her when she told me these things, because she wasn't doing it out of spite and anger, she was telling me because she wasn't sure if I realized how I came across to a lot of people or why some friends stopped contacting me. She knows that I'm a good person who really does care about her friends. She did also follow that up by saying she was proud to see how I've changed in the last few months and that I seemed more grown up.

I started thinking about these things because I know I've said some things in the past that I realize were very bitchy. And I'm ashamed to say that at that time I was doing it to get people on my side. And the result of it is, is that two people who I thought were really good friends of mine have now stopped contacting me. I only realize this now and it could possibly be too late for me to make amends.

So now you can imagine how horrible I felt this morning. I sat around thinking that I was a mean, manipulative person, and that I have no job, and if I go back to Berlitz, there is a possibility that some people won't be happy that I'm there which will make work difficult. It doesn't help that this whole time I've treated Berlitz like it's a bad place since it was my last resort. Berlitz is a great place and teaching English is a respectable job, I just would like to do something more related to my career field.

And then, a crazy thing happened. I suddenly realized that somehow, even though I can't see it, I knew that no matter how horrible I had been or where I end up working, I've recognized my faults and somehow everything would work out fine. Maybe it was because I remembered my friend Yoav telling me last night not to get bogged down and that things would work out. Or as crazy as it is, maybe it was watching a movie where despite everything trying to keep a couple apart, everything works out because their love was strong enough.

So even though I've screwed up. As long as recognize this and work hard to overcome them, and as long as I have the will power, things will work out. I suddenly felt better. Instead of moping on the couch I got up and started laundry and tried to be productive around the house. Things will work out. I just have to hold on and not let pessimism get the best of me.

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