Tuesday, May 19, 2009

I'm sick of wedding pictures

Every time I get on Facebook there are more wedding pictures. Seriously, why is it that every single person from my university and high school has magically decided to get married this summer? I'm starting to think there is something in the water back in the States.

It's a bit disheartening, watching it all from afar. I haven't receive any direct pressure to get married. In fact, my parents push me in the opposite direction. Telling me that 24 is too young and that I should wait until I'm 30. But it's really hard when everyone else around you is settling down. I don't think I want to settle down, but something in me secretly desires it. Which is something that I find hard to admit since I'm suppose to be the independent one. My sister is the one who everyone expects to settle down young.

And I'm in Korea. My family doesn't want me to meet anyone here because they think that I'll never come home. Which leads me to question my reasons for striving to stay single. Am I doing it for my family? Waiting until I get back to the U.S. so that I can honor their wish of me settling down close to them? Giving up on the fact that he could be in Korea to look for him in the U.S.? Or am I doing it because that's what I really want? They say things like, "If you marry a Korean, just make sure he knows that you're coming back to the States." But do I really want to go back there? Do I want to wait just to make them happy?

And I know that marrying a Korean won't be easy. There are cultural differences. And family is insanely important here. The bride is expected to leave her family to join her husband's and I know my parents would not like that. Plus, there is the risk that my in-laws might not accept me because I'm foreign. It's fine to date a foreigner, but marrying one is a different story, especially if she doesn't speak Korean and the family isn't good at English. Plus I have to learn how to make kimchi... I would, in a way, be an outsider in his family, even if they are welcoming. Just because I don't know Korean culture and traditions by heart. So that is something to think about. I often wonder if I think about that too much and that's what makes my relationships here go awry.

At this point, I'm not even sure what would make me happy. If I met the one tomorrow and we got engaged, would that make me happy? Or would I regret marrying at 24? I suppose the fact that I ask these questions prove that I'm not ready. But part of me admits that I would kind of like to meet someone that could potentially be the one. I'm sick of going through the jerks and the wrong ones. I just want someone. I wonder if my problem is that I keep looking for someone when I should just wait for him to come to me.

Argh, and all these thoughts just confuse me even more because there could be someone, but I'm not exactly sure what he's thinking right now. We've been friends for a long time, and I know that he's interested in me and that I'm interested in him, but there are obstacles. A kind of big one, that I won't really get into. I guess I would just like the opportunity to see what things would be like together. Ugh, I wish he would just call me or text me...

Bleh, I hate that I have too much time to think about these things. When you're unemployed it's kind of hard to find things that will get your mind off stuff. I'm either worrying about a job or anxious about phone calls, or thinking about a boy. I need to start working on my stories again. Maybe concentrate on finishing my book.

And staying away from Facebook and those blasted wedding pictures.


  1. Haha, I hear ya. Although I typically only find boys when not looking. Really though, I don't know that I would be ready to get married right now. Of course I mainly say that because of how much I still hurt like hell from recent events.

  2. It has been amazing looking at all the people that we went to school with settling down with their lives. I still feel like I am trying to figure myself out and I am actually glad right now that I don't have a boyfriend to add to the mayhem. I do have my moments though where I would LOVE it if I had a boyfriend. But I am definitely not ready to be married or start a family. For one thing I need to come to Korea and party with you and then down to Australia to party with my cousin who is moving there at the end of the summer...