At that time, I was a size 12 and weighed 150 pounds. I hadn't been anything under a size 10 for a good five or so years. I had a couple months when I was down to 140 pounds, which I thought was great, but I was soon right back up to 150, since I can't ever seem to keep weight off.
So, you can imagine my surprise and happiness when I dropped 30 pounds over my first two years in Korea. I'll be the first to admit that a lot of that weight came off in some unhealthy ways. Stress and a mild case of depression were not my best friends. But I was elated to fit in a size 9, and then 8 and then 5, and 4 and then 2, and even when I went back up to 4. I'm at a healthy 130 pounds now.
But I can tell that living in Korea is wearing on me. I'm constantly surrounded by tiny little girls who are a size that I will never be. I should be happy with where I am right now. I haven't been this size since high school. But instead, all I think about is how if I just dropped five more pounds I would be under 130 and my favorite wool mini skirt would fit a little better. And that I would look a little bit better. Doesn't help that some of my Korean girlfriends point out that I've put on a little weight. Or that I'm dating an incredibly good-looking guy that I want to look good next to.
I know it's ridiculous. I know that I should be happy with where I am. In the US, I'm slender. When I went home, my old friends and my family said I looked great. But now that I'm back here, I keep chasing those elusive five pounds. It's exhausting. I try not to snack or drink soda or eat hamburgers, but when I slip up, I punish myself by staring at the scale and berating myself. Even today, I swore that I wasn't going to snack when I got home from work since you aren't supposed to eat after 10 pm and what did I do? I made a caesar salad. And I still want to snack.
I hate that Korea has done this to me. Made me so obsessed with my weight and how I look. I've never been like this before, even when I was larger. But I've decided to make the best of it. Maybe this time, if I really want to lose weight, I can take the opportunity to actually do it the healthy way and try to get myself into better shape. I've decided on Monday I'm starting a new healthy eating routine. And starting today, I got up 30 minutes early and did some pilates. I've decided it's high time I started taking better care of myself. And hopefully I'll stick to it. We'll see.
But man, I wish I could go back to the days when I was thrilled to be a size 9... And not freaking out if I reach 135...