Writing and Cigarettes

After a couple months, I have brought myself back to the coffee shop. Mostly because we're down to the last few weeks until our deadline and I've got to buckle down and get things done, and Cino's seems to be one of the few places where I can still write uninterrupted by people and TV and work. Granted, the internet turns out to be a distraction, but I get more done here at my little table in the smoking room than I ever do at the apartment.

Now that we're almost done, it feels a little surreal. I started this journey into the unknown world of screenwriting just four months ago. I was excited then, but the end still seemed so far away that I didn't really think this was happening. But now, we're so close and I'm freaking out. I sit and wonder if I'm really good enough for this. And then a split second later I'm daydreaming about sitting in a theater and seeing my name on the big screen. I keep going from one extreme to the other. And now that this project is almost finished, I'm already thinking about my next project. We haven't even sold anything yet and I'm ready to start working on the next thing. Maybe this means I'm really meant to be a writer, ha ha.

My life could possibly be changing in the next month.

I still can't grasp that. One part of me has just accepted it while the other doesn't seem to realize what's happening. It's kind of one of those 'too good to be true' things. I keep waiting for the bubble to burst, but so far it hasn't. I really want this. I really want to be able to spend my days writing in coffee shops or meeting friends or having awesome life experiences that I can translate and put on paper or a screen so others can experience them too. After spending the three years since graduation working in offices as a reporter or copy editor or an English teacher or PR person, I've realized that's not want I want. And I'm really not that great at it. Sure, I could make it as a reporter and (barely) as a copy-editor. But that nagging thought that I'm not really meant for that keeps pushing its way up from the back of my mind.

I use to cringe at the thought of being a freelancer. The lack of a regular paycheck was too scary. But now, that life is looking more and more appealing. Maybe it's because I'm really enjoying the radio show. And it would give me the free time to really pursue writing. I'm thinking that I might start having my friends at the radio station keep their eyes open for other opportunities at other stations so I could start working more of that into my life so I wouldn't have to copy-edit. I love Arirang and the people there, but I'm thinking that I'm not really cut out for what they are having me do.

Or maybe I just need to step up my responsibility. Last night, one of the newbie reporters was working his first weekend and I had to sit down and really talk to him about his writing because it was getting to the point where I was going to have to start sending back stuff for him to re-write because there was nothing I could do with what he gave me. It made me realize that I wasn't really owning up to the full responsibility of my job. I'm there to make them better writers. It kind of gave me the confidence to step it up instead of just sitting at my desk worrying. It reminded me that I do know what I'm talking about. I have my journalism degree too. Just because I'm at the copy desk and not out reporting or writing doesn't mean that I'm lower or less than them. Haha, I guess it's been so long since I've really focused on news that I'm rusty.

So, we'll see. Life is one big messy transition right now. I just really hope that we sell this month. I so hope that we do. Life would be amazing. But if it doesn't, then I guess at the very least I got my foot in the door.

Speaking of which... I should probably start working on that...